bullet-proof

MOVING!!!

2008-05-17T09:04:00.000-07:00

im posting on Wordpress, now. so just click the link below. thanx folks.
still Bullet-Proof folks.

underagedthinking.wordpress.com

CRS - US Placers (Video) « 2dopeboyz

2008-05-16T16:58:00.001-07:00

came across this over at 2dopeboyz.com

tell me this isn't creative. plz. so i can come across ur face with a Louisville Slugger.

from 2dopeboyz.composted with vodpod

Superman's a Dick

2008-05-15T09:48:00.001-07:00

really tho. ain't that the truth? those are sum pretty stupid chicks. hahahaha.
more like this at Superdickery.com

MUTO a Wall-Painted Animation by Blu (Video) « 2dopeboyz

2008-05-14T15:19:00.001-07:00

this is one of the most creative things i've seen in a long time.
thanx to 2dopeboyz for this one.

Blu is def a multi-talented artist.

from 2dopeboyz.composted with vodpod

Taylor's Happy... hahaha

2008-05-14T13:10:00.000-07:00

^click the pic for download of remix with Ye, Lupe, and Pusha^

"all the girls standing in the line for the bathroom!"

Everybody Nose [video] {original- no Ye, etc.}

Everybody Nose
by yardie4lifever2

Lollipop Remix w/ KanYe West

2008-05-14T05:05:00.000-07:00

so basically, kanYe smashes on this track.
"u ain't gonna murder me like everybody else/ i'ma rap like i got sum type of respect for myself"

big thanx to 2dopeboyz.com for the download [zshare]

gratitude

2008-05-12T10:55:00.000-07:00

my mom is amazing. and she knows it.

im a rape-product, but she never saw 'him' in me. she never connected me to the pain of her experience. she didnt cut my life short before it began. she didnt give me to another family so as to never have to look at my face again. she left all she knew to give me a better life here in the US. and even when things went south, she fought tooth'n'nail to get back on top. she's a good mom to a fault, literally killing herself to make sure my lil bro doesn't become his father.

women like that aren't made or born. they make decisions that shape their character. and when the god's throw a curve ball, they cock back and rip it out of the park. i love her soooo much. everything i am [and everything i never will be] is because of her.

download: hey mama [grammy mix] - kanye west

Akon and T-Pain go for lunch.

2008-05-08T19:39:00.000-07:00

"butternut reduction"

Ruined for life

2008-05-08T17:30:00.000-07:00

been spending the day caring for my ill mother. she's not feelin to great at all. took her to the hospital and everything. Doc's gave her some med's and told her to chill out. so im Dr. Jon today. my prescription? soup, crackers, and P.S. I Love You. it worked momentarily. haha.

so watching the aforementioned film the second time, i realized [again] that i still love 'love' [but don't believe in it]. the really sad part about it is that- and this may hurt a few specific readers- i have yet to meet the girl i can love more than 'love' itself. which makes me a liar. i lied. again. i can't love because i'm already in love. with love. and until i find sumone who can make me forget about "my 'love'" i won't be 'in love'.

love is such a wondrous thing that it will never be understood. i don't intend on understanding it. i just want to experience the kind of love that makes you forget you're in love at all. where u feel complete for the first time. a love that makes life bearable. a love that explains the mysteries in life. a love that death itself can't destroy.

in my heart i believe one thing: that every man wants to that guy. that guy that intoxicates you with his charm, and ruins you for any man to come along after him. and every woman wants to be ruined.

Welcome to Africa, 50

2008-05-08T02:45:00.000-07:00

eyes peeled at 1:40 for the dude that snatches 50's chain.

Daft Punk

2008-05-07T13:01:00.000-07:00

wow....

watch this Daft Punk jam-fest at Coachella... for an HOUR!!!

every second is woth it folks.

Vintage Hip-hop

2008-05-07T10:47:00.000-07:00

the Roots, ATCQ, and Consequence freestylin' back in '95...

My Summer Kick-Off

2008-05-06T12:45:00.000-07:00

ok... i know Memorial Day weekend is the unofficial start of summer. ask me if i give a flying fuck. cuz i started summer on May 2nd. haha.

Picked up the Roots album, Rising Down, and blasted it at top volume on the way to see Iron Man, sickest movie i've seen in quite awhile [the Avengers tie-in nearly made me piss my pants haha. seriously, i want a Thor movie.] Robert Downey, Jr. did a fantastic job being the ass-hole billionaire, Tony Stark. i swear for a quick second i thought they were gunna give us a peak at War Machine. L. Fishburn's character, Lt. Colonel James Rhodes, is the man who later becomes War Machine. hopefully that will be in Iron Man II. haha.

So the next day, i joined in the Las Vegas Race for the Cure, the breast cancer walk. my legs were dying. haha. 5k walk and my legs were dying. Lord knows i need to get back in the gym immediately. haha. but later that night i picked the new Badu album, New Amerykah Pt. 1 (4th World War)... sick. from beginning to end, nothing but thought-provoking, heart-felt, good soul music.

so yes. my summer has begun. how do i know? well mostly because Oceania, girl i met at the DMV, has noticed the change in my skin tone. haha.

Welcome, to the Summer of Fun.

its a 'Ye day

2008-05-02T16:02:00.000-07:00

because he can. and while ur at it... check this out: kanye basically rips this guy a new one
Spinning Studio from kwest on Vimeo.

Flashback

2008-05-02T03:31:00.001-07:00

"explorer like Dora these swiper's cant swipe me... i crush mics until my hand breaks, then shang now and shag later til these women cant stand straight"

-the Ludameister

enjoy. :D

from www.youtube.composted with vodpod

new Roots...

2008-05-01T14:01:00.000-07:00

not on US release.

sick guitar solo from Cap'n Kirk... "The Grand Return"

DONT TOUCH ME NOW!

2008-05-01T13:40:00.000-07:00

Busta is back in the building... and he's setting it off with these two very different, very HOTT tracks

superfly

2008-05-01T11:26:00.000-07:00

i am...

im lucky

2008-04-30T15:35:00.000-07:00

i accessed a wi-fi network near my house... so now i don't have to trek my ass to Starbucks every time i wanna interact with the world.

2 in the morning

2008-04-30T02:05:00.000-07:00

cant sleep. so i came out to blog. pathetic huh?

got an unexpected IM from an old friend. haha. very unexpected. btu yeah. we didnt really get to talk cuz i was using my phone to AIM and i gotta conserve minutes. hopefully she doesn't think i was blowing her off. hopefully.

i tried to watch Munich today... then realized i hate reality and turned it off. i'm sure its a great movie. Spielberg is a genius.

speaking of genius... Black Thought in the booth and ?uesto on the tables at Rap City...

"i am legend like will smith"

The Roots "Rising Up" ft. Wale & Chrisette Michele - Okayplayer

2008-04-26T15:31:00.001-07:00

im enrolled officially into the Art Institute of Las Vegas. finally, things are looking up. searching for a house with the madre in the greene valley area. its alot less "urban" haha and much more SUBurban.

new roots vid. pretty fresh, wouldn't you say? haha.

from www.okayplayer.composted with vodpod

skate. & Common Sense

2008-04-21T15:11:00.001-07:00

yeah i'm learning how to skate. yes. and i've busted my ass quite a few times already haha. my butt is sore, i think i twisted my ankle, and my elbow is bruised and swollen. haha. this skating crap is kinda fun tho. haha. but really folks. how have you guys been? hmmm.

i was checking out Okayplayer.com today [they just remodeled with a Beta site] and saw this in the news. Com Sense kills this freestyle at Michigan State. i could do with out the Obama shout out, but it's a free country. besides, with a flow this fluid, you really cant complain. truly ill.

from inversehiphop.wordprposted with vodpod

Birthday Girl - The Roots ft Patrick Stump

2008-04-15T15:17:00.001-07:00

hahaha. jail-bait.

"she told me she was 22 but she was really 17"

from www.youtube.composted with vodpod

Lupe Fiasco - Paris, Tokyo

2008-04-14T04:01:00.001-07:00

this is for taylor washington aka the Life-size Barbie haha... cuz she's the lady that turn me on to this song. i "stole" it from her MySpace and put it on mine way back when. I saw the video and was like, i wonder if she's seen this haha. thanx, Barbie haha.

from www.youtube.composted with vodpod

days of our lives

2008-04-12T23:35:00.000-07:00

yesterday seemed like hell. because hell is repetition. and it seemed like things were going wrong... repeatedly.

first, couldn't go to work. then, couldn't get things worked out to go back. lost the job completely. halo 3 is now an "unreadable disk". blockbuster won't let me rent any games without a credit card, even though i rented 2 last week without a card. get home and jayson is trippin'. no food in the house. went to bed with a headache.

today was better. went out on the ATV all day. and took myself to the movies earlier. saw Street Kings... it was ok. pretty good i guess.

somebody save me...

fuck off :D

2008-04-10T11:18:00.000-07:00

I'm in a pissy mood. very very pissy mood. but regardless, i must still smile and press on.

watch this... genius at work. its simply amazing how a simple noise in P's head turns into an audible masterpiece in a matter of minutes.

*sigh

2008-04-09T15:44:00.001-07:00

STACY DASH!!!!!!

i love you with all my heart.
click the pic for the story at concreteloop.copm

first day on the job

2008-04-09T15:21:00.000-07:00

on my lunch break right now. first day is going ok. doing regular busy work and what not. mopping, cleaning, checking tags. its alright. at least i'm not bored out of my mind. i get off at 7 so i got awhile to go. i'll hit you folks up when i get off. till then, check this out:

GRADUATION ALBUM LISTENING EXPERIENCE PT. 6 - FLASHING LIGHTS from kwest on Vimeo.

Superfly Freestyle

2008-04-08T13:43:00.000-07:00

just smooth. the funk on this is ridiculous. check it.

Fab Freddie's Free Wi-Fi

2008-04-08T13:24:00.000-07:00

yup. i'm at Fab Freddie's Car Wash on their FREE internet and Wi-Fi. i love you Freddie. you truely are Fabulous.

peep this. the beat is pretty good. but i heard it was made on Garage Band... the one you get standard with any Apple Computer.

kinda cheap on Polow's part huh? producer's these days. jeez.

Madonna - "4 Minutes" | Music Video | Ultimate Madonna: The Videos | MTV

2008-04-07T10:46:00.001-07:00

Didn't see this one coming. The song actually has more of a JT feel to it. Almost like it's his song and Madge is the guest star. Either way, it works for me. I can Diggit.

from www.mtv.composted with vodpod

when it looks like it's changing for the better...

2008-04-06T18:34:00.000-07:00

i really do hate life. ugh.

so as u all know, i have no internet connection at home. well, as of friday, april 4th, 2008, i no longer have a house phone or cable television. nothing. completely shut off from the outside world.

wtf. why me? [maybe there's just something about me You don't like]* and to top it off, there where complications with my drug test. they found Codine aka Tylenol in my system. apparently you shouldn't take painkillers 2 nights before a drug test.

All because of some stupid ass bet.*
_______

*watch or read Steven King's Storm of the Century

Kanye West - Homecoming (Feat. Chris Martin)

2008-03-31T23:51:00.001-07:00

no intro needed.

from videos.onsmash.composted with vodpod

JabbaWockeeZ - Illness

2008-03-28T23:15:00.001-07:00

have to leave u with the performance of the year... illness

from www.youtube.composted with vodpod

employment

2008-03-28T22:37:00.000-07:00

i am no longer just a bum pirate. Captain Black is now a member of the working class. i got the job at Paddock Pool & Spa... all i need to do is pass the drug test, and thankfully the only high i'm ever on is from great sex [been awhile too.]

i'm really glad i got this job. jeez. finally i shall have my own money. thank God. well yeah thats about all i have for you right now haha.

peace bitchez.

Overdrawn

2008-03-28T13:45:00.001-07:00

JabbaWockeez rocked the house last night. im so glad America got it right. SQ had a nice cinderella story going for them, but i think they road it a little farther than they deserved. Kabba Modern was the only crew close to JW. the title is in proper hands. Congrats, JabbaWockeez. your crew is illness. keep the infection alive.
you know what folks?... i'm hungry. the part that sucks is that i have -$178.85. wtf am i supposed to do with that? there's a couple eating subs behind me and i can smell the scent of lightly toasted bread caressing a colage of meats, cheeses, and veggies that my mouth waters for. i hate poverty.

on a better note, i just finished my second interview with Paddock Pools. i should be recieving a phone call tonight telling me whether or not i got the job. so im desprately trying to get my phone back on [i hate pre-paid], otherwise i'll find out via email. this whole i-dont-have-internet-at-home thing is getting old fast. really fast. hopefully, i can get hired somewhere soon so i can do something about it. man, poverty sucks.

my art is coming along. i got a new hoodie design done. as well as a few t-shirt graphics. still looking for inspiration... help me out folks.

Blu & Exile - Blu Collar Workers Video | OnSMASH

2008-03-27T21:41:00.001-07:00

little boy Blu.... good music.

from content.onsmash.composted with vodpod

The Roots Rising Down Listening Party

2008-03-27T21:30:00.001-07:00

check it...

from nahright.composted with vodpod

Roots Rising Down Jam Session

2008-03-27T21:15:00.000-07:00

checkout the pics at okayplayer.com

sex on the beach*

2008-03-27T21:04:00.000-07:00

*note from the editor [me]: the title has nothing to do with the story.

job-hunting is going well. Starbucks, Paddock Pools, and Tan Factory are in the lead. Hopefully, i can get picked up by Starbucks and start next week. that would be ideal. but when does the ideal ever happen haha.

checked my email tonight and got a nice surprise from an friend. apparently she likes to torture me with naughty memories haha. but i like it. hope she never stops, too.

also started the admissions process [again] at the Art Institute [AI]. i have an appointment Saturday at noon. should be fun.

overall... life is going better. hopefully it stays that way for awhile.

Soulja Boy Got A Hella Pimple On His Face!

2008-03-24T21:20:00.001-07:00

yup... this is real good for ur street kred, Soulja Boy.

YAH, TRICK!!!! fucking loser...

from www.youtube.composted with vodpod

timbo the klepto?

2008-03-24T21:17:00.001-07:00

sounds pretty similar to me... about as similar as the Whistle Stop and the Hamster Dance [youtube it...]

what do u think?

from www.youtube.composted with vodpod

i wanna do something

2008-03-24T20:42:00.000-07:00

so i've been thinking [dangerous huh]... im not really doing much with my life. and i think its time i did something about that... don't you? anyways, i was laying around the house the other night and came across this magazine my mom brought home. 944 Las Vegas, its called.
and i got to thinking... i can do some of the graphic work in this mag. not too hard or complicated... i should go back to school. so that what my life has become. Mission: Bak2Skool... which means i need money... meaning i need a job. i love all my needs. life is great.

in other news... i'm hitting a few road bumps with the design of my men's collection. i need inspiration. any help folks? i could use it. just send me whatever you think i should be using as inspiration. blingjonc@gmail.com thanx.

ps. the hills is back. my guilty pleasure. i love to see spoiled white girls complain about their lives and deal with their juvenile drama. it makes for great TV. thanx MTV.

pps. GO JABBAWOCKEEZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

update...

2008-03-22T21:33:00.000-07:00

so right now I'm sitting outside of Starbucks, freeloading on somebodies wifi cuz somebody forgot to pay the damn cable bill. yeah so.... i have no connection at home. and it turns out that wifi isn't free at Starbucks [t-mobile requires u have a hotspot account with them .. capitalism blows sometimes...]

but yeah... because im cut off from the world i have no real news for you... but i will leave you with a few visual sweets till i can get back on schedule. enjoy

The Roots - Get Busy (Feat. Dice Raw, Peedi Crakk & DJ Jazzy Jeff)

2008-03-09T21:32:00.001-07:00

ok. its official. the Roots are back. and they are definitely the same ol' Roots; revolutionary and trend-setting.

from videos.onsmash.composted with vodpod

Janet Rock With U

2008-03-07T17:11:00.001-08:00

new video from Janet. i've had this song on repeat for the passed 4 weeks. the beat is just right, the lyrics are simply and orderly placed, and the vocal delivery is superb. makes you dance and make love in the same breathe.

from www.youtube.composted with vodpod

WTF were you thinkin', Weezy?

2008-03-07T10:31:00.000-08:00

Ad for J. Prince's Strapped Condoms. Hmmmm.

the make-out pictures with Baby were not enough, were they Weezy? You had to go and do some stupid shit like this.

i quit.

JabbaWockeeZ - P.Y.T.

2008-03-06T23:17:00.000-08:00

ridiculous performance of MJ's P.Y.T... doesn't get much better folks...

Stupid is as Stupid does

2008-03-06T15:29:00.000-08:00

so yesterday, i had to go to California. My mom and I had to appear in Family Law court. let me give you a recap of the events of and leading up to our hearing yesterday.

About a month ago, my step-dad, Andre Jackson [yes, i'm putting his name out there], served my mom with a notice for mediation in family law court. he was trying to win sole custody of my lil bro, Jayson, and accusing my mom of kidnapping for moving to Vegas without his consent.

So we went to mediation last wednesday, Feb 27, in order to meet with him and a mediator to either resolve the issue without the judge or to have the mediator collect notes about the situation for the judge to make her decision. well, the idiot did not show up, so the mediation was canceled. this meant that we would appear before the judge the following wednesday without a mediation for the judge to make a decision based on.

Living in Vegas and having to attend a 7:30 am court date is a bit of a challenge. especially when its in the middle of the week and people have to work the day before and after. so we had to leave at around 2 am to get to Riverside, CA, at around 6 am, and wait outside the courthouse in order to insure we get in on time. how hard is it to show up on time, if you live in the same city?! apparently its impossible for Andre, because he was late to the court hearing as well. unfortunately, his stupidity did not stop there. when asked why he could not show up to the mediation he, himself, asked for, he responded with, My lawyer said not to go because we weren't able to contact the mother.

what? did that make sense to you? well it didn't make sense to the judge, that's for sure. and that's just one of many ridiculous statements he and his misinformed attorney made throughout the hearing. the judge had enough after about 15 minutes and order to reschedule mediation for March 17, a Monday, where a mediator will assess the situation and record her observations for the judge to work from.

note to those parents trying to win custody of their kids: if u wish to stand a chance of winning your case, show up to the mediations!!!!!!!!!

Death to Christian...

2008-03-06T13:01:00.000-08:00

ok so that might be a little harsh... haha.

on a serious note, Christian's collection was amazing. even tho his voice sounds like a dying rabbit's scream, his looks were dramatic and very fresh. however, in my humble opinion, Rami's collection was not only dramatic and fresh, but wearable! this can be said of Jillian's collection as well. Rami's weaving technique was simply amazing and showed us all his great attention to detail. this is definitely not the last we've heard from him.

check out Christian's reaction to winning the whole shebang, as well as a look at the full collections of Sweet P, Chris, Rami, Jillian, and Christian.

CASSIE steps her game up

2008-03-06T00:13:00.000-08:00

i first heard Cassie Ventura's single, "Me & U", on a friends myspace [haha... myspace.] and when i saw her face... i nearly melted. haha.

well this same Cassie, who had a role in the new "Step-up 2: the streets" movie, shed some light on her personal life [and shed more then that as well] in an exclusive interview, photoshoot, and video with GQ Magazine... go check it out.

Project Runway S.4 Finale

2008-03-04T12:20:00.000-08:00

dont miss the Project Runway Season 4 Finale... i kno i won't.

Rami or Jillian... Christian cannot win. plz. i hate that squeeky voice. "fierce"

Jay Electronica & Erykah Badu on Vimby | OnSMASH

2008-03-04T11:38:00.001-08:00

if baduism is a religion... im a new believer. check out this little piece about her right-hand man and disciple, Jay Electronica

from content.onsmash.composted with vodpod

it's sew hard...

2008-03-03T14:26:00.000-08:00

so, i recently decided that i should learn how to sew. the plan was to have my mom teach me, considering she has a sewing machine she bought years ago and no longer uses. but, turns out, she has no idea how to sew, and the sewing machine was a compulsive-buy. i said to myself, "well i cant be that hard..." so i decided to teach myself. wow. was i mistaken.

not only is it hard, but its frustrating... maybe i'm just retarded. but it would be nice to find a "how to" somewhere that had a beginning and an end. that would help tremendously.

on a more interesting topic, Project Runway Season 4 [one of my guilty pleasures] is coming to an end. the final three have completed their collections for Fashion Week, and honestly, i pray to God every morning that that prepubescent 12 year old, Christian, does not win. now that would be "fierce"... ugh. if he says that one more time, im going to rip that emo-punk hair do off his head and glue it to his ass crack. [haha]. seriously, i feel that either Jillian or Rami [mostly Rami] should win this season. Jillian's pieces are always very stylish and wearable, while Rami's drapery is something out of a fairy tale. ok ok ok, yes Christian you're a talented designer as well.

i have a feeling Jillian is going to take the cake this week. the short preview we got last week of her collection was pretty amazing, and surprisingly [for me anyway] in a league of it's own when compared to the other collections.

well... You now where i'll be on Wednesday night at 10pm. haha. tune in folks... on Bravo

what....

2008-03-01T22:43:00.000-08:00

first sign of the apocalypse... acoustic remix of Ayo Technology [yes the same one 50 Cent did with JT]

Kabba Modern - Sensual Seduction

2008-03-01T20:14:00.000-08:00

it is ridiculous how good this krew is... and the chicks are bomb!!!!!!!!!

The Roots - 75 Bars (Black’s Reconstruction)

2008-02-29T15:30:00.000-08:00

?uestlove does it again... with such a badass drummer doin ur beats, its hard to not have good music.

Jay-Z - I Know

2008-02-28T19:00:00.000-08:00

very interesting vidoe... fits the song perfectly. this was one of my favorite tracks off American Gangster... thanks to for the video link.

ps. the girl in the video is Zoe Kravitz.... nice job Lenny, she's a cutie.

Estelle ft Kanye West - American Boy

2008-02-28T02:06:00.000-08:00

watch out for this Brit-chick folks... she's doin' it big.

fear, itself

2008-02-26T23:54:00.000-08:00

"facing my fears is easy when the fear itself is fearful"

-jon.C

tomorrow i have to tell a judge and a mediator wat Andre Jackson did to me for 7 years.
i have to explain the humilation and the torment he put my soul thru.
i have to describe the hell i lived in for all those years.
and confront the face of my tormentor.

yet i am not afraid.
i only feel the righteous pride of a vengeful warrior
riding into battle against an old and familiar foe.

it's not God's strength that grants me this righteousness
His strength is busy keeping me from committing murder.
my strength has grown strong enough to withstand the worst of oppressions.

"i am the man in the dark that strikes fear in the heart of Death"

hooray for insomnia!!!!

2008-02-26T07:43:00.000-08:00

ok so i've been up since about 2:15pm yesterday... and i have to wake up at 2am tomorrow... but i'm not tired!!!!

wierd?... maybe.

anyway, i have great news! those of you that kno me have at one time or another heard me speak of my clothing line... future clothing line to be exact. well... i finally started working on my collections for fall '08 and spring '09. finally.

i'll post the catalog on the blog once i'm done... dont expect sumthing long or complex. i'm new to this whole thing and these will just be brainstorming pieces.

the catalog will most likely be a collection of polo's, rugby's, jackets, and boots [for fall]... and t-shirts, hoodies, sweaters, and sneakers [for spring].

sorry ladies... ur line will come soon. i'd like to get a better feel for feminine design before i take a crack at it.

so yeah... look for it later this year... prolly around april/may/june '08 haha.

thanx.

inDECISION 2008

2008-02-24T05:26:00.000-08:00

can't decide who to vote for? think Obama is God's gift to the US gov't?

watch this... and be amazed. kinda corny. yes. but factual.

feeling down?

2008-02-24T04:15:00.001-08:00

this'll pick up. and if u dont end up smiling sumtime during this vid... ur not human!

ps. cathy nguyen [second singer] is the best [its my blog... i can say that.]

for all the "strong black women"

2008-02-23T03:14:00.000-08:00

not the one's that have a job, an education, and commonsense [not to mention self respect]... im talkin' 'bout the one's who want a nigga to pay their bills, and take care of them for the rest of their lives. the one's that nag and bitch about how they cant find a good man, yet refuse to stop dating thug niggas that sell drugs and beat women....

yes ladies this is for you:

my sanctuary [haha]

2008-02-19T07:33:00.000-08:00

yes im messy. yes thats my blog.

um yeah. i have a a matrix comic, some storyboards from a dream i had [i'll tell you later], a few sketches fro a coat i designed, a home-made starbucks knockoff, my xbox 360 controller, PS CS2 for Dummies, and a bunch of other random stuff on there. and this was after i "cleaned up". haha.

life's to short to worry about putting things in place.

used

2008-02-19T06:14:00.000-08:00

so yesterday i realized how much of a puppet i am. in the words of my dear ol' mum [she'd kill me if she read that i called her "old" or "mum"],
"jonathan, you're a puppet. and [the she-devil in question] is pulling your strings like a marionette master"
thanx mom. where would i be without your consistent ability to point out something i'm trying really hard to ignore.

ok. so i might be a puppet. i can see that. but really, i think realizing you're a puppet feels worse than actually having your strings pulled. i wonder if everyone knows how it feels. to know that some one else knows what makes you tick; what makes you breathe. to use those very needs against you for their gain. then to realize that you fell for it every time. and would fall for it right this second if they tried it.

sucks, doesn't it? for those of you that know. and for those who have not had the delightful pleasure of being some else's lapdog, i pray life spares you that divine privilege. sorry. i'm just selfish like that.

how will i be remembered?

2008-02-17T02:50:00.001-08:00

ditto

colin munroe - (i want those) flashing lights

2008-02-12T00:14:00.000-08:00

ridiculous... check this dude out. i love this ish, man.

my white flag.

2008-01-31T18:51:00.000-08:00

so i'm bored today. [nothing new]. and i'm starting to realize that this year has started just like the last one did: horrible. so i decided to list the things wrong with my life right now [in no particular order]:

1. i live my mom.
2. my art is lacking inspiration.
3. i haven't chilled with any of my buddies since... October? wow.
3a. i haven't chilled with anyone my age since then either.
4. i have $0
5. i have canvas board and no paint.
6. my love life is non-existent. so is my social life.
7.the purpose of life has escaped my understanding for the time being.
8. my dreams have out grown my budget.
9. what i thought was faith, i now see as slavery.
10. ignorance is bliss and i know too much to be truly happy ever again.

i'll stop before i bore you [sarcasm]. and after reviewing the list [and all the things i left off of it] i have come to the realization that the only place to go from the bottom is NOT up. the fact of the matter is, you have three possible outcomes:

1. rent a room at Rock-bottom Hotel
2. pack up and climb out.
3. life drives u even further into the hard, rocky surface of the Earth's core and into the molten iron of a living hell.

[kinda morbid huh? yeah thats the point].

i hate life and its purpose is starting to confuse me. what are we here for? to suffer, live, and eventually die [in no particular order]. tell me what i'm staying alive for? to see tomorrow? i know what tomorrow brings: one step closer to the end. so why not just skip the drama, and go straight to finish line? why deal with the pain and suffering and disappointment? why do i have this drive to improve my condition? why can't i just turn it off and lay down to die? why can't i give up!!!?

life sucks. and blows. simultaneously. that defies the laws of physics. when will the rules bend in my favor?

not in love anymore.

2008-01-13T20:43:00.000-08:00

I'm not in love anymore. i cant be. she does not love me. i must move on. so far, I've proven to be a lapdog. she calls i come running. she says jump i say how high. she says roll over i ask which way. i cant do it anymore. its clear we're not going to happen; that 'we' is not 'we' at all. was it fun? the whole deal? no. it was not. has it made me who i am? i refuse to give it credit for my identity. i have for so long defined myself by my feelings for others. does she matter? not as much as she used to.

i cant be in love anymore. its not good for me. it has become a poison that sucks the happiness from the center of my heart. it is no longer healthy; no longer love. it is now pain, suffering, and anguish. i lay paralyzed by her beauty and dumbstruck by her grace. but i cant have her. she belongs to another. the one she's with? maybe not even him. but her heart is no longer mine. it never will be again. get over it. move on. don't look back. just close your eyes, buckle down, grit your teeth and push forward.

to love again like this is not possible. it would kill the remaining happiness i use to hide my sorrow from the world.

prisoner

2008-01-11T12:38:00.000-08:00

when will your eyes leave me?

will they never stop haunting me?

always there. always dark. always beautiful.

just like you.

they are fierce and fiery. dark burning coals

searing their mark into my heart.

the same heart u hold in the warmth of your palms.

those soft delicate hands

encasing my heart like rose petals

a heart forever bound to you.

years pass, seasons change, life moves on.

still your eyes never leave me.

as constant as the North star

like beacons on the horizon in a storm.

the world turns, the sun rises and falls.

still u have my heart.

never able to give it fully to another.

is this love? or insanity?

be there a difference?

will i ever be free form your gaze?

loosed from your grasp?

like a caged bird set free...

is freedom what i want or do i love

to be your prisoner.

a Beautiful mind

2008-01-07T07:57:00.000-08:00

im in a trance. a steady state of meditation. sorounding me is the silence of my own thoughts. they scream to me. at me. for me. to stop this. pain. confusion. desperation. why do u stay on my mind, oh, Beautiful? why do u make camp in my thoughts?i love you. i know this much. but i am on a journey. the question then that arises is: are you destined to be my partner in this journey? we have developed a relationship that is based on trust and mutual respect; on understanding and support. these are things i will need on my journey to greatness [and it is evident that my greatness is inevidable]. why are we connected so? you say you love me more than words can express. i believe you. you hear me when i cry out in the darkness. you comfort me in my depression. you praise me in my triumph. you support me in my struggle. and i love you for your devotion. but this devotion... was it ever for me?

devoted, you are. but devoted to wat? your daughter. your fiance. your future. is this wrong? no. is it selfish? by no means. am i crazy? maybe. only fools and mad men fall in love. i guess that makes me a mad fool. but that recognition of such insanity is a step most seem to stop at. for me it is only the beginning. what is the origin of my insanity? why do you captivate me so? who are you that you demand my affection so powerfully?

is it because of your lips? those lips moist as a summer dew. or those rosy cheeks soft and firm against your face. or the eyes of a temptress, suffocating and captivating, drawing me in like a fish on a reel. or the long silky hair that curls down your back and runs free like a chocolate Nile. maybe its those rose-petal hands, so soft a delicate, carefully crafted by Venus herself. no. none of these have i felt in nearly 6 months. her lips? still a foreign land in which i am an alien. her lips have never known mine. this cant be the reason.

so why, dear Lady, why? is it your kind and gentle spirit? or your sweet and nurturing nature? explain to me this connection. help me understand your understanding. help me dissect your support. why are you the perfect woman? are you really that amazing? or have i truly gone bananas. the human mind cannot think outside of its own, self created box. our consciousness does not allow us to. in order to cope with the inexplicable, our mind create realities- false truths- in order to rationalize the extraordinary. am i living in a false truth; a reality in which perfection has manifested itself in the form of my 7th grade crush?i think not. illusions are not this real. and reality is always this harsh.

hi. my name is...

2008-01-07T07:47:00.000-08:00

i am a man of many faces. many names. many places. but it seems that in all that i do, one thing remains. you.

i've tried to forget you. neglect you. regret you. but the harder and longer i try, u find a way into my life.

dont take this the wrong way; the word for word hard way. its not wat the eyes think it is. its life thru the-- [we're sorry. this soul is no longer available. please try again]--

its ok. theres nothing to worry about. im not that guy that sings u a song to sweep u off ur feet. im not that weak little boy that couldnt go after wat he wanted. im not the jerk who didnt return ur call either. i'll stay on the phone with u till 6 in the morning. ill ask u about ur day. ill listen to ur bitching- i mean- opinions. u luv me? thats ok... i luv u too... i think. do i need to be sure? no i can figure it out later. for now, we'll be together forever. ill never leave u. i ll love you untill im-- [we're sorry. this soul is no longer available. please try again]--

u wat?! "u luv me"? wat do i do with that? can i hold that at night when my heart feels like its splitting? can i lean on that when i feel im going to collapse? no i cant... becuz they are just words... bullets. no. blanks. it doesnt kill me but god! do i wish i were dead. i can recognize a blank when i see one. i've fired enuff to never forget the sight. but to be on the other end of the barrell... it is not nearly as easy. its sad. that i stood there and begged u to pull the trigger. i had to kno. i had to ask. i had to tell. i could have just keep my mouth shut and pretended everything was fine. instead i asked u if u --[we're sorry. this soul is no longer available. please try again]--

hello? can u hear me? this is jon.C

u may be confused... i am here to provide the answers: there are no answers
i am all of these men. i am none of these men. i am the killer. i am the victim. i am the smile. i am the frown. i am the laughter. i am the sorrow. im not the first. not the last. i am common. i am extrodinary. i am spectacular. i am mundane. i am the prince and the pauper. the master and the student. the fox and the hound. i am ur nightmare. i am ur heaven. i am the man next to u on this train we call life. i am the toddler hiding behind his mothers skirt. i am the boy silent and thoughtful in the corner. i am the poet in the back of ur math class. i am the philosopher in the front row of english 101. i am not strong. not tall. not striking. not charming. not your friend. i am frank lucas. i am jfk. i am fdr. i am tut. i am ceasar. i am the last man standing. i am the one holding u up. i am the greatest. i am the best. i am not ali. i am not mj. i am third from the front and 23rd from the rear. i control time and space. i say yes or no. i say live or die. i say fuck u.
i am real. i am here. i am life. i am breath. i am pulse. i am dead.

hello my name is jon.C... how can i help u?

forbidden kisses

2008-01-06T08:15:00.000-08:00

both knew why they had met... to burn with passion, flamed by guilt, sin, lust, and ecstasy. it might be the one and only chance they would ever get to burn so beautifully.

"7:37... time has slowed to a deafening crawl.
two lover's face each other with new eye's.
their passion for each other flamed by their guilt.
to touch would be sinful, but satisfying nonetheless.
to sin would be ecstasy, pleasure beyond comprehension.
the fire that burns within them claws at the walls of their human vessels,
dying to get out, living to be free.
as self control gives way to self-indulgence,
mutual gratification becomes a very real possibility.
its harder to distinguish the area between the two now.
they have reached the brink of contact.
not quite one, yet not separate in the least bit.
sin on their lips... at the tips of their fingers.
the fire inside raged with devastating urgency. untamable. there was no stopping it now. the steam had built to a bursting point and the two wildfires were now charging down the tracks of each lovers veins, headlong on a set path toward each other.
a break in time. a twitch in reality. a wrinkle in their memory.
their lips meet. for the first time. the flames meet. engulfing their bodies and scorching their hearts like the flames of a hell set aside for those guilty of infidelity. they loved it.
their kiss was sinful. sin was ecstasy. ecstasy was their only feeling. hands trembling with excitement. lips quivering with bliss. and hearts pounding with the burning passion of lust known only to the forbidden romances of the legends of old.
7:45 ...time is not accommodating.
the fire still burns. never given a chance to consume its providers. the guilt feeds the flame. the flame drives the lust. the lust is the sin. the sin is the ecstasy."

forbidden kisses, stolen in the study of a young girls home. her lover- a loving and loyal companion yet not hers. but she knew that the fire still burned for her within him as he left that night. as he rode off into the darkness, she could see his flame from miles away. would these flames ever die or would they burn for eternity, scarring the hearts of two lovers, a love never lived?

in my mind

2008-01-06T08:12:00.000-08:00

as i sit here alone in the darkness of my own thoughts... it is easy to forget about reality.

he drifts back to the days of heartfelt poems and puppy love letters.
the affections of his heart belonged to a fair skinned maiden with the beauty of a fairytale and the elegance of a princess. her eyes were as mysterious as those of a Persian belly dancer. Her hair tumbled freely from the crown of her head like a shimmering stream of rich, chocolate and caramel velvet, each strand perfectly curled and placed. to see her was happiness. to speak to her- bliss. to hold her- joy beyond measure. to love her was ecstasy.
he was a very young, very emotional, very naive little boy, in love with the idea of love;and in love with the girl of his dreams. he was a pitiful puddle of nerves in her presence, falling into a stammering stupor at the mere mention of her name. the simple task of breathing became as immense a task as scaling the slopes of Everest. his thoughts began to in her direction more and more frequently until at last she occupied every free second of time in his mind.
in his mind she was perfect. in his mind he was hers. in his mind she felt the same. the truth was he was slowly starting to grow on her. she had allowed him to be nothing more than a friend for wat seemed to him an eternity but things were never as they seemed. the next two years passed them by leaving them with memories of happiness, sorrow, pleasure, pain, tears, laughter, trust and betrayal, sin and forgiveness, leaving them with a genuine bond forged in friendship and mutual admiration.
As he sat there, looking back on his antics and blind attempts at poetry and seduction, he laughed at the naive juvenile he had truly been. at a time when love was nothing more than a foreign nation, he had attempted to assimilate into its complex culture before having an understanding of its language. because he was in uncharted waters, lost and without direction, he did wat he had hoped to never do: he drove away his fair skinned maiden.
to this day the thought of that exotic belle from heaven causes his heart to melt in his chest. she lives her own life now, with a husband, and child- her own slice of paradise. and still he hopes beyond hope , that some part of her is still his. that no matter what time or distance separates the two... they will always be each others.

...but reality is the light in the corner of the room. i can accept it or close my eyes and surrender to the darkness of my thoughts.

adulthood

2008-01-04T10:23:00.000-08:00

adulthood. its finally here. so why does it feel like i've been living it since the 4th grade? in 18 years of living, i've dealt with rape, molestation, child abuse, intimidation, an adusive father, abandonment, heartbreak, depression, suicidal rage... the list goes on. it would be a boldfaced lie to say i havent enjoyed my life. i truely have. but 18 years is not long enough to hold all the pain i've had to deal with. so today i celebrate my rebirthday. a new age. a new attitude. more confident. more ambitious. and definitely more arrogant. im right ur wrong. end of story. haha. adulthood sux. ill just be jon.C for now.

thoughts...

2007-12-26T17:01:00.000-08:00

keep speeding thru my head. thinking of u and me. wat we were supposed to be. the season only reminds me im not in your arms and that u are in the arms of one who cannot love u like i. loneliness is suffocating, surrounding, and controlling. i wish to get away. but ur arms are where i wish to lay. this day, u'll see it my way. still change will be impossible. your arms have no room for me still. and my love's only purpose is to kill me. thoughts speeding thru my head thinking of you and me; we... were supposed to be... WE... were too close to be... we were never meant to be 'we'.

the Hallow X-mas - taking Christ out of christmas

2007-12-24T12:25:00.000-08:00

its christmas eve. the day before christmas. families are gathering, children are laughing, mothers are cooking, fathers are assembling bikes, and last minute shoppers are pulling their hair out. all the signs of christmas are evry where.

and for yet another year, the magic of christmas is gone from my heart. call me a scrooge but i find no joy in the christmas season. it has become a joke. wat was once a sacred holiday meant to glorify our Savior has become a commercial festival used to ring every last dollar out of our pockets. it has been so defiled that even those who dont believe in Jesus celebrate christmas and are offended when u propose that its a celebration of His birth. Could u imagine the uproar there would be if we tried to do the same to a muslim holiday like Ramadan, or a jewish holiday like Passover or Hanukkah. yet we stand by and watch a fat white guy in a red suit push Christ out of the spot light on HIS OWN BIRTHDAY!!!! yes i kno Jesus wasnt actually born on Dec 25th, the point is thats the day we wish to commemorate His birth. so leave it alone. pleez.

long story short [intro]

2007-12-17T01:55:00.000-08:00

im 18 days away from adulthood. nearly 18 years of experience is wat i have. in those 18 years, i have come to realize that i know and understand a tad more than the average 18 yo. and that even that is not a big deal. looking back on my 18 years of life, i can easily point out good times and bad times. i can distinguish between periods of happiness and despair. and while in reality there is no way these periods could possibly be that that long, i do realize that my experiences have been extrenely emotionally intense and draining.

one such span has recently sparked up. it started 7 years ago in my 7th grade english class and has snow balled for the past 7 years. i was 11 years old and had never been in love. here i am now at nearly 18 years old, writing about a girl 200 miles away that i havent seen or physically spoken to in over 6 months. if every one has that one erson that melts their heart at the mere mention of their name, she is that girl for me.

so wats so special about this story jon? why shud i read it? well u've read this far... u might as well keep going.

so middle skool had its drama [whoever didnt hav drama in middle skool was probably either causing it or a loser... haha] and we went to different high skools. but we had both acknowledged that we loved each other. fast forward to sophmore year of hs. she's pregnant. and i find myself wishing i was the father [no, we have never even kissed... so stop trying to get 5 from 2+2]. jump to 2006, when she transfers to my skool and i see her daily. jump to summer '07 when i tell her i never stopped loving her.

[its weird. this blog has no flow or form watsoever. mikulics would be disgusted.]

she told me she felt the same way. my heart jumped. we were thrilled. then reality smacked us both across the face. she was in a relationship. a very happy one. i was in a relationship. a very happy one. i decided to make a move. she decided i was too much of a risk. there were too many factors involved for her. her 'fiance', her family, and especially. her daughter.

love sux. period. whether ur married, engaged, dating, single, or just hit puberty. but it sux even more when the odds are against you. when u feel that hope is a fool's blind attempt to ignore reality.

jon.C 101

2007-11-30T14:16:00.000-08:00

i kno... u don't know who i am or wat i want with ur time. that's obvious... and if u get past the third line of this blog, its a miracle.

im jon... jon.C. yes i know i put the period before the 'C'... i do that... its my name. anyways... im 17 yo. i've waited my whole life for jan. 4th, 2008, and now that its nearly hear i couldnt be any more unimpressed.

i live in las vegas. im usually working [graphic design] or drawing [comics] or eating [anything] or sleeping... ps. halo 3 kicks ass.

by now u may hav noticed that there is nothing rather spectacular about me. well never judge a book by its cover... especially if the author did the cover. i pray u'll stick around and take a peek at my blog every now-and-again. u might find something thought provoking... or touching... or infuriating... who knows? i might just change ur life.

ps. [again]... all feedback is welcome... whether u agree, disagree, or just plain dont give a shit. thanx

introduction.

2007-11-28T12:27:00.000-08:00

wat is a blog? hell if i kno. but this peice of cyberspace that i call my own shall be a bulletin board of thoughts ideas and musing, all of which will be mine of, course. whether it be my thoughts on current political issues.. or my feelings on past relationships [and the present issues that arise becuz of them]. and every now and again, i'll leave u with a poem or short story... or maybe even a painting or portrait. who kno's? only God does. and i dont think he's telling u any time soon.